Here is a brief list of credible ways to accelerate development, not in any particular order:

#1-If your child has focusing or attention problems, consider using a credible non-medication-based, and scientifically cutting-edge program called Cogmed. Used by over 40,000 people, in over 30 countries, Cogmed is a computer game that was developed by Swedish neuroscientists who discovered that a person’s ability to focus (known scientifically as Working Memory) could be improved long-term. In other words, even after the 5-week Cogmed protocol is completed, its effects have been shown to be durable. Research has shown even at the one year mark improvements still remain (versus medication where one it is not taken benefits disappear immediately).

Cogmed goes to the root of focusing/working memory problems whereas medication simply tries to muffle symptoms by modifying biochemistry. And yet psychiatrists continue to treat working memory problem by medicating children even when the best first line of treatment is to use a non medication based approach if the problems is mild or moderate. Even the American Academy of Pediatrics now considers Cogmed a evidence-based approach. If you know someone whose child is medicated for ADHD-like problems, the best things you can do is to let them know they have another option. Cogmed can be used with medication as well, and they can amplify each other’s positive impacts.

Final note about Cogmed as a “scientific giant”: While there are many computer games that tell you they will improve focusing, there are none that have the research-based that Cogmed does. Check out their research here: http://www.cogmed.com/research. Cogmed is so impressive that high-performance athletes and Air Force pilots are now using it as a part of their regular training. Many parents with students at BASIS and University High, to prepare their students for more intense curriculums, have their children do Cogmed in the summer. I have used Cogmed with over 60 families and the results have been quite impressive. I recently wrote a blog about Cogmed: http://www.doctorbrunner.com/evaluating-scientific-credibility-in-an-age-of-misinformation-lessons-from-a-new-non-medication-based-adhd-treatment-called-cogmed/

-#2-Honestly evaluate your child’s “psychological vital signs”. Be honest about whether they have some problems with anxiety, anger, sadness, low self-esteem, poor body image, etc. If they do, or you are not sure, use the summer as a time to consult a child specialist who could even within one or two meetings give you a strategic plan to ensure your child’s problems are taken care of. Too many parents think their children will “grow out of” a particular problem. You know the saying, “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure”. I’m amazed at how quickly people will take their child to the dentist her pediatrician by how long it takes them to bring their child to a psychologist or therapist. Often, it is years! Meanwhile, it is becoming quite normal for top athletes or business leaders to have a professional coach with expertise in behavioral science to help them perform at their best. Most often I am in the role of “coach” as well.

#3-Accelerate your child’s strengths or areas of giftedness/exceptional talent. Much of my work is with parents of higher performing/talented/gifted children where their parents want me to give them parenting tips to ensure their child remains on an accelerated track developmentally and/or academically. Or in terms of their character. In one or two meetings I can identify 10-20 precise ways a parent can help their child put their foot on the accelerator so that child even further develops their areas of strength. Many people use the summer for giftedness, so they can qualify for the school’s gifted program or consider taking high school AP credit. This is a great time low-pressure time to do this.

-#4-Have your child strengthen their skills in their weakest areas using a sequential week by week and measurable approach. You can either ask your child’s current teacher or future teacher for summertime materials so they get a head start. Remember, no matter how advanced your child is it is often their weakest area that will give them the most trouble and hold them back from having a higher sense of self-esteem at school. Always be asking yourself, “What is my child’s weakest area?”, and make sure you are addressing this by helping them develop skills to fill in these gaps. If their weakest area has to do with their character, you can consult a child psychologist who is an expert in development to design in one meeting a character building curriculum. In one meeting you can plan a summer!

#5-Utilize a year-round academic program such as Kumon, which we have here in Tucson Arizona. Kumon is very structured and sequential week to week academic skills program that can help your child accelerate their strengths and or fill in their academic skill gaps. What is great about Kumon is it is self-paced and so it can be adjusted to your child’s levels in each area. You can think of a program like Kumon on as a way of augmenting whatever your child’s school provided during the year. In fact, some parents will have their child attend Kumon on year-round.

-#6-Writing or reading is often an underdeveloped area for boys. Consider having your son choose a few books they will complete over the summer. Allow them to choose books on subjects that they are passionate about. You might read along with them and get into deeper discussions about their area of passion which will also enhance your bond with them. After they read about sharks, plan a trip to go see some.

-#7-If your child has social skills problems, enroll them in summer camps that intentionally teach social skills. Many children with Autism or Asperger’s, or who are socially awkward develop new relationships and learn critical new skills that minimize the chances they will be bullied at school, next year. The most credible scientific literature clearly indicates that social skills problems are best corrected via group work, not individual therapy. There are often both local social skills camps as well as nationally renowned camps such as Talisman based in North Carolina.

#8-“Round off” your child’s personality and skill set over the summer. Too many parents will narrowly over focus on developing their child’s skills in one area. For example, if their child is good at dancing they will forget that they should also be developing other skills along the way. The problem is, if that child burns out on dancing or stops it, then their social network and self-esteem (sometimes) will be drastically decreased suddenly. I believe too many children are growing up as “hyper specialist” in one sport or hobby. It is fine for your child to have one passion they focus on, but always have them developing a few other interests as well. In other words, focus on continually “rounding them off” one example of how you might do this is, over the summer, have them attend the camp in something that they would never otherwise explore. Examples include a fine arts camp, or for girls an outdoor camp.

Summer is surely a time to allow your child to relax. But your role as a parent is also to prepare them for their next academic and/or social stage by honestly assessing their current intellectual, emotional, and social skills. Be honest about where their skill gaps are and look to fill those in during the summer.

Remember, behavioral science experts with child specialized training can be used as a coach for those functioning in the normal or exceptional range range or a therapist to treat clinical problems. Do not think in narrow medical model terms about what a psychologist can do, look around, and wake up to the reality that the best parents don’t put fires out once they have become clinically significant alarms. Rather, they most often prevent those fires from occurring by catching problems early and heading them off. A behavioral scienstist can help you do that within a meeting or two, and save you immense amounts of time, money, and heartache!!!!

My favorite work is often when we are preventing those problems, and helping that child reach their True Potential.

The post Using summertime to accelerate your child or adolescent’s development appeared first on Dr. Thomas M Brunner.

Not too long ago I wrote a blog about how common sexual abuse is, and who the predators tend to be, by utilizing credible research and statistics. If you are a parent, you NEED to read this blog carefully: http://www.doctorbrunner.com/effective-parent-responses-to-the-recent-child-sexual-molestation-of-three-tucson-girls/

The horrible reality is that children are most often abused by someone they know who gained their trust. Ariel Castro was a bus driver and he offered these girls rides. Can’t you trust a driver to give you a ride? Predators “groom” the child to trust them over time. For example, Ariel Castro was a bus driver and likely was skilled in the art of gaining a child’s trust. Time and time again we hear stories of a teacher or a coach, trusted by the community, turning out to be a sexual predator. So as parents, it is hard not to feel paranoid whenever your child is around other adults.

There are many practical steps you can take to maximize your child’s safety. First, you should read my previous blog to educate your child about the strategies that sexual predators use. Because predators can be so creative and subtle, at every one of your child’s developmental stages, you need to talk with them about the various ways a predator might try to gain their trust.

Another key thing you need to do is make sure that you are the source of your child’s education regarding sexuality. Often predators prey on their young victims by exploiting that child’s interest in things sexually related. Children are very sexual beings and you need to make sure that they feel like they can come to you with questions. If they don’t, they are likely going on the Internet and getting answers that are not only wrong but often exploitative. Most children these days are getting a secret sexual education from the Internet. How closely are you monitoring your child’s Internet usage? If you are not vigilantly monitoring this you are sadly naïve. For example, you should have all of your child’s passwords all of their social media, and randomly be checking in on the healthiness of their correspondence. Sound over-the-top? Try talking to the parent of a child who has been sexually abused by someone who “groomed” them through internet correspondence and then get back to me on that one.

One of the most important things you need to do is make your child aware that even people they know and currently trust could – hypothetically – at some point try to do something inappropriate. Specifically, refer to my earlier blog regarding instructions on ways you can educate your child about appropriate touching versus inappropriate touching. You also need to review with them the wide variety of ways a person might try to abduct them and what they should do if someone grabs them, even someone they might know.

A key point to make is that a person who has influence in one area (athletic coach) might trying use that influence the get them to do things. Talk with your child about how athletic coaches should only have limited influence over their decisions, and should NEVER be allowed to touch them in certain areas of their body. Clarify influences in one area should not transfer to others kinds of trust.

I know that all parents struggle with the careful balance you walk between wanting your child to enjoy a sense of safety and security, yet also wanting them to be watchful enough so they are prepared to deal with the real threat at a moment’s notice. One way parents can talk with their children about the likelihood of being abducted is to talk about how likely it is. They could use an analogy such as talking about how the frequency of it is rare, but because it is such a potentially life-threatening experience they need to always be on the lookout for “danger signs”. Again, I refer to danger signs in my previous blog.

At the same time, parents should make their child aware that sexual abuse is relatively common, as I talk about in my prior blog: http://www.doctorbrunner.com/effective-parent-responses-to-the-recent-child-sexual-molestation-of-three-tucson-girls

The best way to keep your child safe is not to rely on the “one talk model” with them, but to consistently be discussing the ways an adult might take advantage of their trust. Using everyday scenarios is a good way to keep them acutely aware of how sneaky predators can be. I am a believer that every child before they enter puberty should undergo some sort of self-defense training. This is especially important for girls, who need to understand how they can use their physicality to escape danger or fend off an attack.

Unfortunately, a large part of the job of parenting is worrying. But instead of wringing your hands whenever horrific news headlines hit the airwaves, focus on what practical steps you can take to maximize the safety of your children. If you do that, the chances that they will be harmed are decreased significantly. My previous blog discussed statistics regarding who types of people tend to be abusers. Unfortunately, they live in our communities. Remain vigilant about knowing what adults your child has relationships with, and talking with them about what kind of influence that adult should have versus should NOT have.

The post Using behavioral science based tips to keep your child safe from the Ariel Castro’s appeared first on Dr. Thomas M Brunner.

A conscience is that part of our being that is not just reflective, but constraining. It calls us to think as much or more about consequences even in the face of hungry and even ravenous desires. We have all seen how sad it is to watch “good kids” ruin their lives with one bad decision. That is all it takes! The stereotypical example is young and smart girls with bright futures who get pregnant in their teens. Much more common than you think.

As a parent you want to be comforted by the idea that even when you are not around your child has that sage and sobering voice inside of them that is like their guardian angel. And a conscience is not just a protective factor, when deeply rooted in passion it also impels people to greatness. Heroes have deep rooted consciences, they do the right thing regardless of fear and even the possibility of death. A “social conscience” is often THE driving force behind those who look beyond themselves and make a mark on their Community, or sometimes History. Are you raising a child who will make a mark?

Concerningly, study upon study shows that the younger generations are becoming more and more relativistic with their ethics. For example, cheating has become more and more common even in places of higher learning. Music is often downloaded from pirate sites with no care for whether the artist should be compensated for their work. There is so much “eye candy” for kids to taste all within arms reach at any time via the Internet and other technological addictions.

So, what are you to do if you want your child to have a robust conscience? As a behavioral scientist and counselor who was sat in the same room with a uniquely broad variety of people, many of them children and adolescents who hve shared their most intimate secrets and struggles, I have directly experienced exemplary and noble character, as well as witnessed sociopathic and criminal tendencies.

What I have found is, one key factor that successful parents use to maximize their child’s chances of developing a deeply rooted conscience is ensuring their child associates misbehavior with deeply FELT consequences. In other words, these parents did not simply reprimand their child but rather made sure that deep in that child’s nervous system that child felt a “sting”. We can define a “sting” as a very unpleasant feeling that lingers long after that misbehavior occurred.

We all know that when you were stung by a bee it leaves a memorable enough mark upon your mind that you are acutely careful around bees. Consequences in some ways should be like be bites; they should sting painfully. Of course, we are not trying to break the spirit of your child, but we must help them root their sense of right and wrong not just in their cognitive operating system, but in their nervous (or feeling) system. If your child’s conscience is rooted in both, then they have a “full bodied” sense of rightness and wrongness. And that is what they need in a jungle of eye candy.

Think about it this way: if they only behave because they THINK that is the right thing to do, then when strong and competing feelings are aroused their very likely to follow the feelings. We are very “heat of the moment” creatures, and that is why a moral conscience that is only cognitively based is not durable and will fail when it is needed most, in the heat of the moment. In other words, if your child’s ideas of right and wrong are as dry and generic as a mathematical proof, they will be at the mercy of more passionate forces ever present in their friendship circle and on the Internet. Your child’s conscience needs to be something that as they grow up and mature remains deeply experienced in their gut and heart. As a parent you always need top be asking yourself, “How deeply rooted is my child’s conscience?”

Too many parents get wrapped up in keeping up with the Joneses and wanting their kid to be the great athlete, the smartest kid, the kid who wins at the science fair. In contrast, THE MOST IMPORTANT TASK is to raise a child with a Great Conscience. That is the one quality that will get them through any storm, any challenge, any temptation, any pressure.

Key fact: What your child cares about most varies according to their developmental stage: at 5 they care most about a toy, and at 15 they care most about their social status. So, your ability to ensure your FEELS guilty for misbehavior somewhat hinges on how well you help them connect how their misbehavior impairs even their ability to get WHAT THEY WANT. If your 10-year-old girl is gossiping, then a technique that should be used is discuss how that will hurt her chances of having genuine friends because she will end up having friends who gossip, even about her!

So how do you help your child develop a moral conscience? Here are some tips:

-Model exemplary character every day as much as possible as a parent. You will have the greatest imprint on your child. And when you’re behavior fall short, talk with your child about what was wrong with your behavior and what you will focus on doing from now on. Apologize to your child for not having been exemplary. When you are not exemplary, walk through with them where your conscience broke down. That way, you are helping them construct and “inner world” model for how to think and act in a way that is guided by their conscience.

-Raise a child in a belief system of some kind. There is a unique and irreplaceable value to having your child feel committed to a set of core beliefs that include the idea of giving to the Community and that there is something greater than you. It is interesting to watch parents who were raised with religion, who become successful in their lives, forget how religion helped them get where they are, and yet who turn their back on religion. It is ok to have doubts, but to “throw the baby out with the bath water” and disallow your child to benefit from the same positive factors that helped you succeed is stupid. If you cannot find a religion that works, then make sure you find a way to replicate all of the functional elements that religious systems offer that are so vital to developing conscience.

-Make sure you have a “firm but kind” parenting style. Remember the firm part! Be consistent with your consequences, and make sure that they sting. Don’t just say go to your room. Make part of the consequence about them learning what negative ramifications their behavior has on siblings, the family, and others. One great way to Have them Don’t let your child manipulate you into giving them things.

-When your child misbehaves, make sure they not only intellectually understand all of the negative consequences of their behavior, but FEEL those consequences. Too many parents go too easy on their children. For example, if an eight-year-old is caught in a lie, have them write out 20 different ways that lying negatively affects their relationships, their social status, and their families reputation. Maybe have them write about how they would feel if their best friend told a lie about them that damaged their reputation at school. However, it is critical to not go overboard either, so calibrate your response to the seriousness of the offense.

-If your child misbehaves at school and a significant enough way, consider the importance of having them write an apology letter to whomever may have been hurt or negatively impacted by the misbehavior. Including the teacher. This makes them really stop and think, and FEEL. This makes your child recognize just how serious certain kinds of behavior can be. Make sure you have them talk about how their behavior affects other people’s feelings.

-Do not and I repeat do not shield your child from the criticism of other adults. A telltale sign of a parent who is raising and overindulged child is one who cannot handle their child being criticized. The helicopter parent! Make sure you facilitate your child receiving, when it seems developmentally appropriate, direct criticism in a way that sobers them up to the unattractive reality of their behavior.

-Teach children from a very young age the importance of a GENUINE apology. Key ingredients of a genuine apology include making eye contact, appropriate tone, apologizing without an excuse, and appropriate changes in interaction style with the person to whom the apology has been made. Make sure apologies are a regular part of how your child functions.

The post How to help ensure your child develops a conscience that will protect them appeared first on Dr. Thomas M Brunner.

I will address each of these questions, as well as hopefully broadening the reader’s understanding of the various ways your child may be gifted or exceptionally talented. And don’t forget to read my other blog which clarifies the most important kind of giftedness your child should have: http://www.doctorbrunner.com/why-your-childs-iq-is-less-important-than-you-think-what-really-predicts-whose-kids-will-excel-in-life/

First, a little teaser that is also a little known fact: Sometimes a child might not qualify as falling in the gifted range based on their scores on one measure, but then qualify using another measure. That’s the tease, and now some background before we come back to that point.

But before I get into details, a little warning about timing: this is the time of year when many public schools around the United States (and worldwide) are assessing children to determine if they qualify for gifted services. This is also a time when many parents choose to have their child assesses by an independent child trained professional who is highly trained in gifted assessment. Why now? Often, schools require that for a child to enter a gifted program, they must be assessed by the end of the preceding academic year. So, for you parents wondering “Could my child qualify for gifted services?”, you may have about one month to have your child assessed by a qualified professional.

Let’s start with the process: students are assessed by schools either after being nominated by a teacher or via a parent’s request. School’s may have further criteria, but that is how basically how the “starting line” works.

What does it mean to be “gifted”? Let’s start with a very general definition offered by the US Department of Education (DOE): “Gifted and talented children…require differentiated educational programs and services beyond those normally provided by the regular program in order to realize their contribution to self and society”. The term gifted is used to describe children with exceptionally high IQs, those who have creative talents, and those who are high on both dimensions. While someone’s IQ may not fall in the gifted range, they may also be quite talented in a way you should help accelerate. We will discuss this more below.

More specifically, and historically speaking, children who obtain IQ scaled scores of 130 or above have been perceived as falling in the gifted range. Behavioral science assessment expert Dr. Jerome Sattler reports that examinations of IQ of shown that about 2 in every 100 individuals have IQs of 130 or above, whereas only 3 in 100,000 individuals have IQs of 160 or higher. These are estimates only, but give us some useful context.

Back to the little known fact I promised I would reveal more about: Different gifted assessment tools reveal different gifted or talented skill sets, and rarely is a gifted child “gifted all around”. Gifted children, like other children, are often unevenly developed (kind of like adults). A practical example: a common practice I follow is to administer a “broad spectrum” and advanced assessment tool to capture all of the many ways the child may be gifted.

Example: Let’s say a particular 10-year-old girl named Jane does not obtain a score of 130 or above in terms of her overall IQ score, however, I noticed that she is very talented in one specific area that the broad spectrum tool I used glossed over, such as Visual Spatial IQ (ability to analyze complex patterns). My practice would be to review the scores on the broad spectrum measure with the parent, and offer the option of using a second and narrower tool to more directly and thoroughly assess that visually-related area of talent. Not uncommonly the student will then obtain a score of 130 or above using that second measure. This is where the experience of the assessor really matters!!!

My research background includes having published an assessment tool that has been adapted into 7 languages around the world, and given this kind of experience I have learned just how nuanced and challenging the assessment process can be. I would liken it to the surgeon’s task in terms of how important precision and experience are for one being treated. Too often gifted assessors do not take the time to closely inspect the cognitive profile to identify possibly more nuanced talent or giftedness.

What you need to understand is assessing for giftedness can be very challenging, because the choice of a tool can often be critical to the results. My bias: If you are going to consult an independent expert, choose an assessor who has a broad and deep toolbox, and who has a high level of scientific training.

How many types of giftedness are there? My own experience assessing and counseling gifted and talented children matches what the scientific literature recognizes: there are a large variety of ways giftedness can manifest including in these way: general intellectual ability (IQ), specific academic aptitude (reading, writing, math), creative or productive thinking (analytical reasoning, debating), memory (photographic memory), leadership ability (social and/or character giftedness), visual and performing arts (music, art), and psychomotor ability (athletics). I would add that there are children who are “morally” gifted, meaning they have an exceptionally deep sense of the importance of character.

Every child enters the world with strengths and liabilities. Be the parent who is truly always working to understand in what areas your child excels and has natural strengths. The best parents I know accelerate their children’s strengths, and secondly, teach their children to use their native strengths to minimize the impact of their skill gaps or weaknesses. To help your child go from “good to Great”, you MUST help your child have insight into their strengths and their “growth challenge areas”. My focus is moving people from goodness to Greatness, and that is why I call my blog “Good to Great”.

Fact: Whether I am working with a 10-year-old on their anxiety, or with the CEO of a nationwide Corporation, my challenge as a behavioral scientist is surprisingly consistent: help that person accelerate their strengths and fill in their skill gaps so they have optimal insight and growth potential.

Facts and Resources:

-Great worldwide resource, National Association For Gifted Children: http://www.nagc.org/resourcedirectory.aspx

- Arizona Department of Education “Gifted Education” website: http://www.azed.gov/gifted-education/

-Often times, each state (and even each school) will have its own list of what measures it considers valid for assessing giftedness, at least from a more academic points of view. The State of Arizona’s list of measures it accepts is at the following link: http://www.azed.gov/gifted-education/files/2012/01/state-board-approved-test-list-for-the-identification-of-gifted-students-in-arizona.pdf

-If you think your child may be gifted in a non-academic area, have them assessed by an expert or teacher in that area (e.g., music).

-Always remember that you can augment what your child’s school does, by hiring a tutor who can provide them with an advanced curriculum. You can also do this by simply feeding their passions by designing family activities that engage their strengths.

-You can sign your child up for summer camps that are designed to tap into their deepest skill reservoirs. For example, a favorite where we live is the summer robotics camp offered by several schools including Catalina Foothills School District. If your child is gifted in the fine arts, you might consider having them be a participant in the St. Gregory’s fine arts summer program.

The post Why and how you might have your child assessed for giftedness or exceptional talent appeared first on Dr. Thomas M Brunner.

I’m talking about a disciplined and systematic process that is much more valuable and informative than having their child take a generic career questionnaire as many of us did in the 1980s. Let’s start by acknowledging a few fundamental facts:

By the age of 17 or 18, your child…

-has enough life experience to know what they really like and do not like doing

-has clear ideas about what academic areas they love and which they hate

-has a fairly well formed set of vocational aptitudes and personality traits

-has a basic personality, coping style, and set of life values

By using these four key “human factors” areas, a skilled career counselor who has behavioral science training can help your child clear away a lot of the “career fogginess” that plagues those youth who go to college and wander around wasting their parents hard-earned money. College costs $100-$300,000 when you total up all the costs. College education now is an unrealistically overpriced proposition, and you need to approach it strategically so every class your child takes it strategically chosen to help them get one step closer to a chosen career. And college is not for every child, some will be better off going to a trade or technical school or entering the workforce. I do not think that the American Dream needs to involve a college education.

As a PhD behavioral scientist providing career guidance, I absolutely love helping young minds find their vocational “sweet spot” as we use superior tools to capture and map out their passions, aptitudes, skills, and motivations. This mapping that we do serves people for many years after the original work because people’s personalities remained remarkably stable over time as do their interests, values, and passions.

Over 50 adolescents and college students I’ve worked with are now in meaningful jobs earning robust salaries after having gone through my unique career guidance process. There is nothing more enjoyable for me than to help someone dial into a lifelong career. Career success is one of the major factors that predict level of happiness as research resoundingly shows.

The beauty of beginning a career assessment process before college or within the first year or two of college is that every class taken can serve as either a further confirmation of a passion or as a further confirmation that a particular area is not of interest. I have written about this process in a more detailed manner in the following blog: http://www.doctorbrunner.com/counselors-using-deeper-scientific-tools-help-youth-find-life-long-careers/

Here’s the bottom line question you need to answer about one of the most expensive investments you will ever make: what do you need to do to ensure that the money you spend on your child’s college education is a wise investment rather than wasteful spending as it is for the vast majority of students’ parents. I submit to you that the MOST IMPORTANT strategy to deploy is to make sure your student begins college with a finite set of occupational possibilities on their dashboard. That way, every college course choice and summer experience is part of a systematic and disciplined plan ultimately resulting in smooth entry into a robust and engaging career.

Behavioral science has come a long way from the old school generic career questionnaires. The smartest parents I know take advantage of these advancements in vocational science. They can’t afford not to!!!

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One of the greatest lessons I have learned is that one of the key roles a husband must play for his wife if they have children is to give her breaks from mothering. Regular breaks. I don’t mean just when she is in the bathroom!! I mean giving your wife time away from the kids. Taking all the kids and giving your wife the day off, or the weekend off. Or, whatever it takes for them to feel rejuvenated. If this is not done, there is this slow and almost imperceptible decline in the wife’s contentment. And in the quality of the marriage. Date nights become rare or nonexistent. Resentiment boils under the surface.

It is really funny to watch men who are naïve enough to believe that having their wife do almost all of the child care is a winning situation. Time and time again, eventually, the stress on the wife will manifest and affect the marital relationship. Raising kids is the toughest job out there. Men, you will eventually pay for not taking your parenting shifts. You will pay dearly, in more ways than you can count. Not only will your wife be less happy, your kids will bond much more closely with her than you.

By the way, for anyone who believes that men who work full-time jobs cannot also be significantly involved, I cannot follow that line of reasoning. Even the hardest working men in the highest pressure jobs can and do make time and help their wife out. I know many doctors, CEO’s, etc who do, When you chose to have children, you chose to put them first. Live up to your word.

At the same time, there is a little dirty secret I think father’s rarely want to acknowledge that has revealed itself recurrently in my decade of professional experience as a behavioral scientist and counselor who works with parents on a daily basis: mother’s often much more easily shift into parenthood than father’s do. This is at least partly if not primarily driven by the biological fact that these children grew inside the mother for 9 months.
Many men may aptly respond: Hey, I am doing a much better job than my father did with me!!!!!!! Good for you, keep it up. And more women may need to account for just how under-nurtured their husbands were before criticizing them for being less involved.

There is significant research indicating that men have been stereotyped as less emotionally complex on the inside. This is primitive mythology. Men are just as complex, they just don’t show it as much. Maybe one day this will change as human culture evolves. Meanwhile, for us parents, this is a great place to start a conversation, by asking, what did your parents do well and not so well. What do you want to carry forward, and what do you want to dump off on the side of the road?

Bottom line: Whatever upbringing we had, I firmly believe that all of us has a choice to make as we hit our 30’s and 40’s; are we going to try and go one step farther than our parents or are we going to simply follow in their footsteps as we parent a new generation. For you father’s out there, I suggest you ask yourself one thing: how hard are you working to share the parenting burden. Are you giving your wife the breaks she needs to get her needs met, to get her rest, to get her time away from IT ALL. And beyond giving you wife breaks, are you really working hard to develop an emotionally powerful bond with your child? If not, what is getting in your way?

Men, make the momma happy!! It may be the smartest thing you ever do, or for men who ignore this advice, the dumbest.

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And yet over-valuing intelligence (especially as defined by an IQ test) is one of the most dangerous attitudes to have! Why? It’s simple: success is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration. How you end up in life is much less about your IQ points and much more about how hard you work, how hungry you are to excel.

A second point I would make is that people make too big a deal out of IQ scores. Psychologists have not tended to talk much about how much IQ can be improved, but my experience tells me it can be improved to some degree. But only hard workers will improve their IQ’s!!! Do you get where I am going with this? What kinds of kids would put in the work to improve their IQ’s? The “scrappy” hard-working ones!! I wrote a blog about how important it is to be “scrappy”(http://www.doctorbrunner.com/an-f16-pilot-cuts-to-the-bone-a-vital-trait-we-as-adults-and-parents-need-to-cultivate/), as discussed by an F16 pilot friend of mine who gave me his perspective on what was similar across all his pilot colleagues. By the way, the chances of becoming an F16 pilot are less than making the NFL. The air is really thin up on that professional mountain because when you have climbed to that level you have achieved something very, very rare indeed. His perspective was one striking similarity among all the pilots: they were all scrappy.

You say, “hey, my kids in the gifted program and that means something to me buddy!” My reply: “what relative importance do you give their “giftedness” as compared to their work ethic, character development, and their own level of insight in their own skill gaps?”. If this question leads you slack jawed you’ve got a problem!!. Too many parents over emphasize intelligence and under emphasize character, work ethic, and moral development. Intelligence will get your child much less mileage than you think in a global neighborhood of competition where your kid will always compete with smarter kids.

What will distinguish you kid is not their IQ, but…

IQ + work ethic + level of character refinement + robustness of moral compass = life outcome

Put that equation on your refrigerator and live it and breathe it every day!! Every kid is born with certain raw material in each of these areas, and it is your grueling job as a parent to every day be looking for the weakest link in this addition formula and developing it. Why? Because raising a child who is balanced will protect them from many more hazards (drugs, laziness, depression, anxiety, etc.) than raising a merely intelligent child.

If they are merely intelligent, they are still just as likely to derail because intelligence by itself is not a protective factor. But balanced development is a HUGE protective factor. Some of the most successful criminals are geniuses. Their parents likely thought they were little Einsteins, and they probably were! Their parents also likely did not invest enough time in work ethic, character refinement, and moral grounding.

Yes, you need to develop key areas of intelligence. For your information, children qualify for gifted placement in schools based on either their…
-Verbal IQ (vocabulary, ability to carry out analytical reasoning,
-Visual-Spatial IQ (their ability to solve visual puzzles, sometimes called NonVerbal IQ).

Yes, we want to develop these areas as parents, because they are important intellectual skills that are critical to everyday decision-making.

But here is my point: what is the best way for your child to be “gifted”? The best gift they can have (and/or that you can cultivate in them) is a great work ethic. So, if you want to ensure your child will succeed, stop over-focusing on whether or not your child is in the gifted program, or can speak 5 languages before they are 2, or can play a violin while doing an Irish jig, and start focusing on developing the following core skills that compose work ethic:

-ability to handle frustration due to commitment to a longer term goal (kids who learn to stay committed to a higher ideal or goal and work through frustration are ramping toward success)

-ability to put off immediate gratification due to a longer-term goal (ability to delay gratification is a key scientific predictor or those people who become leaders)

-ability for child to acknowledge their skill gaps honestly by handling criticism from adults maturely (if you are a parent who protects your kid from the criticism of teachers and other parents – get your fold out couch ready – because that is where your kid will reside once they leave the comfort of college)

-degree of conscience; level of guilt or true and genuine remorse when misbehavior occurred. You would think that the phenomenon of apologizing was EXTINCT!! Those children who deep in their nervous system feel remorse when they do wrong are the ones who are more likely to steer clear of simply feeding their own desires. They have a sense of something greater than themselves that they want to contribute to.

Is there data behind my opinion? Why yes, there is. There is no scientifically compelling data that shows that the higher your IQ is the more likely you are to succeed. In fact, business psychologists who work with the world’s leading CEO’s are finding that it is not technical or analytical skills that will predict which leaders will be MOST effective. In other words, the best leaders are not necessarily the smartest analytically speaking. Rather, the best leaders may even be introverts, but they have a hunger for producing the very best quality product, and they never stop wanting to DO IT BETTER. They are scrappy!

Read more by getting the book Good to Great, one of the best books ever written about what it really means to lead. Read this book, and raise your family with its values in mind. Want to know more about how to raise a moral leader? Go to my other blog: http://www.doctorbrunner.com/helping-your-child-be-a-moral-leader/

When you are in your rocking chair, you will look back and see that those kids who were the hardest workers accomplished the most for themselves and the world. You won’t even remember if they were in the gifted program.

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I have enjoyed working with you and I wanted to keep you informed of an additional need I will be serving. Members of our business community have increasingly consulted me on business related personnel issues amidst our healthcare work. Given this growing demand, I have founded a consulting firm which solves business growth challenges as they relate to people. These additional services will not affect my ongoing and thriving behavioral science practice.

As my www.doctorbrunner.com website reveals, I have continued to conduct and publish research, give presentations, consult with physicians/attorneys, and write a free parent blog you can subscribe to: http://www.doctorbrunner.com/subscribe-for-free/

With my new consulting firm, Performance Edge Solutions (www.greatpeoplescience.com), I am applying my behavioral science expertise as a coach to influencers/leaders and organizations who wish to more accurately select, develop, and retain exceptional professionals. To maximize your professional/organizational efficiency, feel free to subscribe to my consulting blog: http://greatpeoplescience.com/subscribe/.

I continue to dedicate significant time to my fledgling non-profit foundation: http://www.doctorbrunner.com/foundation/

I welcome questions from any of you who wish to email or call me regarding this additional service as part of my new firm. The quality and thoroughness of my healthcare work will only be improved as I expand what I do to serve another population in need of cutting edge behavioral science. I continue to find the best part of my work is hearing about the ongoing successes and growth of previous clients.

Best wishes,

Tom Brunner

Dr. Thomas M. Brunner, Ph.D.
Clinical, Forensic, and Consulting Psychology
(P) 520.296.8572 (F) 520.885.3922
www.doctorbrunner.com

San Rafael Professional Offices
6614 East Carondelet Drive
Tucson, AZ 85710

~Founder & Director
Center for Character Strength Investment (CSI)

~Research Associate
Center for Research in Behavioral Medicine and Health Psychology
University of South Florida

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As we age we get injured, sometimes seriously. What you need to keep in mind as a parent is as you experience pain you have an opportunity to prepare your children to be resilient even if they have a bad accident. And unfortunately some of our children will…and most will have to endure something really painful at some point. Sports injuries, car accidents, etc, …they will happen!

So let’s start with a question for you parents. How did you learn to be tough? Most of us were brought up Old School: Suck it up! Get over it! Put your Big Girl pants on! Shake it off! There is some value in this approach, but much less than you may realize.

While the goal (Get TOUGH!!!!) of this Old School approach has value, the idea that you teach your kid to get tough by saying GET TOUGH is primitive mythology.

Let me explain via what a Navy Seal friend of mine told me, i.e., someone who is “tough as nails”. He said that when it came time to do undergo Seal Training where they do Herculean and crazy stuff, whether someone held in their fear was no predictor of who performed well. In fact, he said often the guys who could be honest (and be objective, not irrational) about their fears BEFORE the task often did better. He said these guys could then compartmentalize better and go on and “get er’ done”….Why?????

I think this boils down to psychological reality: Courage is not the absence of fear/pain, it is the MASTERY of fear/pain. In other words, the most courageous and exemplary people (leaders, heroes, etc.) are not necessarily the least fearful or distressed on the inside. Rather, the most courageous people use strategies/techniques/skills to master their internal fear so thoroughly that they externally perform in an extraordinary fashion. But their first step is to be honest about what is going on inside!

In other words to master it they must recognize it, turn it inside out, let it breathe (even if momentarily).

Teach your child to be honest and comfortable with their feelings of worry or anxiety. Often those feelings are simply what genetics gave them. They are just the first reaction, sometimes hard-wired. Let’s face it: If either of you parents is worrier, guess what, your child has a genetic predisposition to worry. And they will watch what you do and how cope is how they will cope. Plain and simple.

So, if you want a TOUGH AS NAILS KID, first be realistic about your child’s temperament and adjust accordingly. Every child is born with a basic temperament, some are born more sensitive and others less so. Start from where they are mentally when faced with stress. And look for where their skill gaps are and fill those in over time. And don’t overuse motivational speeches, they have a short half-life. Rather, you sharing with them what strategies you have found helpful will help them the most. Consult a behavioral scientist in your area if you want to enlarge your skill box.

The toughest kids I know have a large toolbox of strategies to deploy. They are not the children of the simple-minded parents who themselves have a limited toolbox.

What strategies did I teach my kids as I would need to perform torturous activities for 10-weeks everyday to get better?

-learning that pain is a feeling only, and necessary to experience for growth and healing

-experiencing pain is one of the best ways to get a sense of your core toughness. Use your response as a way to assess where your skill gaps are

-when it hurts the most you can laugh

-saying THIS REALLY HURTS is fine, what really matters if what you do then. And what you do is you focus on your ability to always overcome NO MATTER WHAT

-making jokes about your own pain is good for the Soul

-music takes the mind off the painful task at hand

-sometimes you may need to let feelings out, whatever they are, with people you trust

-being tough means you stay positive but you also are realistic about how injury can challenge your optimism. But that is only temporary.

Future prediction: Even military warriors will undergo much more comprehensive psychological assessment/training to determine more precisely where their skill gaps are. That is, toughness will become more defined by your awareness of (and mastery of) your nervous system’s automatic reactions than by your ability to ignore your inner life.

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Mr. Ducharme should be credited with the following text and information. Thank you Ms. Ducharme for sending in the following update:

A video game that’s fun, plus teaches kids biofeedback to lessen anger? Yes, please!

A pilot study led by Peter Ducharme, MSW, at Boston Children’s Hospital found a simple video game called “RAGE Control” can teach children to control their anger, according to a public release on Oct. 24 by EurekAlert.

Professionals agree that children with anger control issues are more interested in playing video games than undergoing anger management treatments. With this insight, Jason Kahn, PhD, and Joseph Gonzalez-Heydrich, MD, developed “RAGE Control,” which is a fast-paced video game where players shoot at enemy spaceships while avoiding the friendly ones. The incentive is they have to stay calm to be able to shoot at the enemy spaceships.

While playing, a finger monitor tracks their heart rate which is displayed on the computer screen. If the heart rate rises above a certain point, the players lose their ability to shoot at the enemy. The children can see the heart rate on the screen, alerting them when they become ‘emotional.’ This emotional awareness encourages them to calm themselves down so they can improve their game play.

The game targets a connection inside the brain that is considered responsible for anger. This connection, between the brain’s executive control and the emotional center, seems weaker in people with severe anger issues. This game forces players to strengthen the connection to score points in the game.

The study involved two groups of inpatient children at the hospital who were between the ages of 9 and 17 and exhibited high levels of anger. Both groups received treatments for anger (e.g., cognitive-behavioral therapy, presentation of relaxation techniques and social skills training) for five consecutive business days, but only the first group (gamers) was allowed to play the game as part of the psychotherapy treatment.

After the five game sessions, it was noted the gamers did significantly better at keeping their heart rate down and had a decrease in “suppressed, internalized anger” while the second group showed no significant change. Additionally, Ducharme reported the gamers had a clinically significant decrease in the anger scores on the State Trait Anger Expression Inventory-Child and Adolescent (STAXI-CA).

The researchers believe the emotional self-control the kids learn with this game can be applied in (real) life situations and possibly reduce the need for medications.

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